Our culture tends to be youth-obsessed, but there is something to be said for experience, especially when it comes to sex.
Once women have gray hair and a few wrinkles, society tends to overlook them, but queer women know what straight men don’t: older women are hot as hell and know their way around a bedroom.
And let’s not forget that Older Wiser Lesbians (OWLs) are extremely sexy. Just think of queer celebs like Portia de Rossi, Margaret Cho, Jodie Foster, and Niecy Nash. Sarah Paulson is 50 and still so hot that sapphics are constantly drooling over her, and she also knows the value of dating an older woman as someone who is in a 32-year age-gap relationship with Holland Taylor.
Age gap relationships are already taboo, and then you add in the archaic — and frankly insulting — belief that women shrivel up after 40 and are no longer sexually attractive, and sleeping with an older woman becomes downright subversive.
But just because you’re dying to sleep with the sapphic equivalent of a cougar doesn’t mean you know how to handle an older woman. So whether you’re dipping your toe into the mommy pond for the first time or want to know how to make the experience as toe-curling as possible for you and the silver vixen in your life, our sapphic sex experts have you covered. To get you all the deets you need to so that you both cross the finish line, we talked to Dr. Amanda Neri, a pelvic floor expert, queer activist, and host of The Pelvic Freak Show; Maisha Aka, a queer tantric shaman with a degree in clinical social work, and founder of Black Girl Tantra; Barbara Rowlandson, a therapist, and later-in-life lesbian coach who is over 50 herself; and Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad.
So what do you need to know before you hook up with a woman over 50?
1. Understanding how sex changes for women over 50
Halfpoint/Shutterstock
Sex does not end at 50, nor does it have to stop when you hit menopause. In fact, while some women may experience a decline in their libido at this stage of life, other women report feeling hornier than ever before. As women get older, their preferences may change along with changes to their bodies, but that just means you might need to get more creative in the bedroom.
Women in their 50s and beyond may be experiencing perimenopause or menopause, which can mean a reduction of over 50 percent of their estrogen, which can lead to “reduced tissue elasticity and increased vaginal dryness,” Dr. Neri tells PRIDE. But despite these changes that can make sex less comfortable (this is why lube is so important), getting older can also mean that you feel more comfortable about your body and care less about what society thinks about you, which can open up a whole new world of sexual possibilities.
“They may no longer care about little concerns, feel confident in their own skin, and are over the idea of impressing anyone,” Rowlandson says. “It's a pretty liberating thing to graduate to the 'zero fucks' stage of life, and this is a time when women can really step into their power. As you might imagine, bringing that level of confidence into the bedroom can translate to an uninhibited approach to sex that can result in some pretty intense and gratifying experiences!”
This means that sex after 50 can be a liberating experience for older sapphics and the young women they are sleeping with. According to Roos, a lot of women get “more confident in bed where they know what they want and can communicate that, as well as stress related to performing anxiety fades, both of which, for many, enrich the sex life, even though things might not work as smoothly as before.”
2. Sex after 50 can be different for lesbians
The normal changes that come with menopause and the physical challenges of getting older are the same across the board, but lesbians have a leg up on their heterosexual counterparts.
“While the body ages the same for everyone, no matter sexual orientation, many lesbians experience developing an even more stress-less and more pleasure-oriented relationship to sex, which makes many sapphics experience a better sex life after 50, even though it’s very common to need to face bodily changes, and find ways of dealing with them,” Roos says.
This is just one of many reasons taking an OWL to bed can be such an amazing experience, and one you’ll want to repeat often. The sex can be fantastic and life-affirming because older women already understand what can take decades to grasp: the female body is amazing, and beauty standards are bullshit. “Living in a space outside of the male gaze and not holding ourselves to beauty standards that arise out of capitalism makes space for women to just 'be' in our bodies,” Rowlandson explains. “I think a lot of older lesbians inherently understand this, are more likely to accept each other fully, and are less likely to judge each other's bodies or how they express their gender and/or sexual identity.”
3. There may be physical limitations
Everyone tends to have aches and pains and decreased flexibility as they age, but cis gender women also face vaginal dryness after menopause, which is why lube is going to become your best friend. “I recommend always asking their partner what they prefer, and I recommend lubricant always, but especially after menopause, as it can increase pleasure and reduce discomfort,” Dr. Neri says. "It's important to note that needs and wants may differ for everyone as they age, and to always check in with their partner."
Luckily, while some straight women may feel like less of a woman if they need to use lube for sex, lesbians, who are used to incorporating sex toys like dildos and strap-ons into their sex lives, are less likely to have this sexual hangup.
According to Rowlandson, another side benefit of sleeping with an older woman is that you don’t have to deal with menstruation anymore. Yes, the OWL you share your bed with might have the occasional hot flash, but you’ll only have one period to contend with, not two. “You cannot have the good without the evil, so my advice here would be to accept what you can't change, change what you can, and find hacks that work for you and your partner to foster intimacy. It takes intentionality,” she says.
You’re best bet for bagging an older lesbian with tons of life — and sex — experience? Embrace the way she’s changed over the years, and celebrate who she is now. “Menopause is just another life change,” Aza says. "It’s a metamorphosis, a transformation process which though it may be startling at first, can also eventually be celebrated; and definitely should be respected and revered. The way to stay respectful is to be curious, ask questions and just listen without trying to make it better. Empathize by letting them know how hard this must be for them. “
4. Tips for sex with an Older Wiser Lesbian
mangpor2004/Shutterstock
Our bodies change as we age, there is no getting around that, but that doesn’t mean sex has to stop. There may be more pain and less flexibility, but if you’re taking an older woman to bed this just gives you an opportunity to try to new things in the bedroom.
Not only can you incorporate pillows for support and try new positions that may be more comfortable, but Aza recommends getting creative and trying sexy card games and dice games, or experimenting with BDSM together. “If you haven’t explored it before or had judgment about it before, start with an online BDSM or Kink test,” Aza recommends. “Sometimes even if you never play, just talking about it can stimulate one another into an erotic connection.”
Communication is also key to any healthy sexual relationship, and that’s doubly true when having sex with an older woman, who might need different things in the bedroom than younger women you’ve slept with in the past. “My best advice would be to be curious and show that you’re interested in what they’re going through and what they need,” Roos says. "Also listen to understand, and don’t suppose that you know what she needs. Let her be the guide!”
Plus, there is a secret that many straight women haven’t figured out but lesbians have: sex doesn’t have to equal penetration. Broaden your definition of sex and add in lots of "foreplay, build up the tension and set a cozy, relaxing and hot atmosphere,” says Roos, who also recommends focusing pleasure on the whole body and not just the vagina. “Don’t just stimulate the genital area, but involve all of the body and be curious about many erogenous zones,” she explains. “The emotional intimacy often also becomes more important, so try to set that in focus by, for example, having more eye contact!”
And don’t be afraid to have sex whenever the mood strikes or when you’re older partner has the most energy. “Sleep is pretty precious during perimenopause/menopause, so if you're hoping to have sex before snoozing, invite your partner to an early bedtime so that you can have some fun and still get all of your required Zzzz's in there,” Rowlandson says. “Or better yet, find time mid-day for sex.”
5. How to ensure everyone is having a good time
Communicating openly and honestly about your desires and listening to your partner about what they want in the bedroom can only improve your sex life. “Consent and boundaries are an important part of communication,” Aza says. “Something we don’t talk about enough, transparency and vulnerability are an essential part of open communication. And yes, it sometimes gets hard. But be there for it. Show up.”
Talking openly with each other before sex is great, but don’t forget to check in afterward, too. Aftercare is a big part of making sure everyone has a great time. “I’m a big fan of direct communication when it comes to sex,” Rowlandson says. “I know that isn't easy for everyone, but if you can get comfortable with direct communication, represents the most direct path to mutual understanding, can serve to build trust, and ultimately lead to more satisfying sex.”
And don’t forget that sex shouldn’t be a race to the finish line or a contest to see who can have the most orgasms — although that sounds fun too — it’s about the connection you have with the other person. Roos reminds us, “The sex for older women is about meeting in the moment, not about impressing with orgasms!”
Sources cited:
Dr. Amanda Neri, a pelvic floor expert, queer activist, and host of The Pelvic Freak Show.
Maisha Aka, a queer tantric shaman with a degree in clinical social work, and founder of Black Girl Tantra.
Barbara Rowlandson, a therapist, and later-in-life lesbian coach who is over 50 herself.
Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine Passionerad.