"Then I had this crazy dream that my family were all just cartoon characters and that our success led to some crazy propaganda network called Fox News."
— Bart
"Car what? Car's the subject, but what's the verb?"
— Milhouse Van Houten
"Careful! There's hydroelectricity in there!"
— Sideshow Bob
"To alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
— Homer, "Homer Vs The Eighteenth Amendment"
"Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about."
— Troy McClure
"You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
— Homer
"Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder and madder.”
— Homer
"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
— Homer
"Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill a Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does that do me?"
— Homer
"A woman is a lot like...a refrigerator. They're six feet tall, 300 pounds, they...make ice... Oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd walk over your own mother just to get one!" <Homer downs a can of beer.> "But you can't stop with one. Soon you have to drink another woman!"
— Homer
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true."
— Homer
"I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business."
— Mr. Burns, "The Old Man and the Lisa"
"Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?"
— Sideshow Bob, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
— Homer
"What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?"
— Mr. Burns
"Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!"
— Sideshow Bob, "Sideshow Bob Roberts"
"Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone."
— Marge
"Stealing! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [makes sound effects and laughs] Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze."
— Homer, "Marge Be Not Proud"
"There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well played game of chess."
"When Marge first told me she was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing, like that movie Police Academy."
— Homer, "The Springfield Connection"
"Do you know how ridiculous you look right now?"
— Homer, after Marge forbids him from fighting a bear in a homemade suit of armor (with no rear)
"Ooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing?! Well, I say 'hard cheese!'"
— Mr. Burns
"Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals and keepin' the King of England out of your face."
— Krusty the Klown, "The Cartridge Family"
"I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?"
— Bart Simpson
"It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!"
— Groundskeeper Willie
"My Homer is not a Communist. Now he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is not a porn star!"
— Abraham Simpson, "Simpson Tide"
"Let's just agree that on this day a million years ago a dude was born who lots of people think was magical. And some people don't think so, and that's cool too. But we're probably right."
— Homer
"Bart! This is America. Anyone can eat what they want as long as it's too much."
— Homer
"Ha-ha! I touched your heart!"
— Nelson
Bart: [Gasp after his flashback of Krusty being framed] Wait a minute! You did it!
Sideshow Bob: Excuse me?
Bart: [Grabs the microphone] ATTENTION, FELLOW CHILDREN! Krusty didn’t rob that store, Sideshow Bob framed him! And I got proof! [Uses a hammer to hit Sideshow Bob's big wide feet.]
Sideshow Bob: Ow! My foot! You lousy, stupid clumsy—!
Bart: See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he’s got little feet like all good-hearted people! [Bart uses the hammer again, making Sideshow Bob scream and fall to the ground.] Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes with big ugly feet!
— After Bart Simpson realized that Sideshow Bob was the one who wanted revenge on Krusty, "Krusty Gets Busted"
"I played the buffoon, That's why I framed Krusty. I hated those meddling kids, Especially Bart!"
—Sideshow Bob gets into a meltdown after he got arrested for framing Krusty the Clown at the end of "Krusty Gets Busted".
Ned Flanders: (Sighs as he looks sadly at the picture of Edna Krabappel) I sure do miss that laugh.
Nelson: (peeking at the window) Ha-Ha! I miss her, too.
— Ned Flanders and Nelson the school bully are saddened about the death of Edna Krabappel at the end of "The Man Who Grew Too Much", as we pay tribute to the late Marcia Wallace.
"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man"
— Springfield's Town Motto
"Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild idea, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was … I forget. But the point is … I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car."
— Homer
"Boy, everyone is stupid except me."
— Homer
"Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect. What can you do?"
— Lisa
"I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!"
— Abraham Simpson, "Homerpalooza"
"What's good as new? Who's talking?"
— Milhouse
Bart: I don't care if I have to knock on every door in this two-bit town, I'm going to find my dog!
Homer: And I'll be right here, watching TV.
Homer: And I'll be right here, watching TV.
—"Dog of Death"
"Are you tired of missing out on the good things in life—family vacations, jet packs, solid gold dancers? Well, stick around, 'cause I'm gonna tell you the twelve savings secrets Wall Street won't tell you. Then, I'll show you the three ways to get back to the highway, [sotto:] including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know!"
—Chuck Garabedian, "Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo"
Marge: This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost, no car, no money, no clean clothes, and it's all your fault!
Homer: I love being married.
Homer: I love being married.