Tag: bofh

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bofh

Man in a denim shirt celebrates while banknotes fall around him.

bofh

BOFH: Schrödinger's petty cash puts us in a very awkward superposition

Why oh why are the accountants stricter than the IRS and HMRC put together?

Masked man making a heart shape with his hands at a window.

bofh

BOFH: How our Covid ransomware protocol's Y2K blockchain lowered uptime

Diary of an excuse hound: Pie charts make us hungry for pizza

A man uses a screwdriver to inspect the inside of a copier in an office setting.

bofh

BOFH: This printer engineer knows every trick in the book

But so does this customer

bofh

BOFH: Cross-department AI pitches are easier to swallow with a pint in hand

Some ideas need workshopping, others need a warning light

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A burning match touches the side of a matchbox on a dark background.

bofh

BOFH: Amnesty means never having to say you're sorry

There's no I in team, but there is one in insurance fraud

Person in a dark suit holds a knife upright against a green background

bofh

BOFH: For one ambitious security type, chaos is a ladder

Mission Control sends its regards

A man stands beside a multifunction printer in a bright office, lifting the scanner lid as he checks the machine.

bofh

BOFH: Vibe-coded solutions arrive for problems nobody has

The Boss gives common sense an AI wrapper

Electrical breaker panel with a small fire and smoke coming from the top left breaker.

bofh

BOFH: Nothing says 'business continuity' like a dry wooden broom

No sparks, no glory

offbeat

BOFH: Arrr, I smell piracy ... and it's comin' from a machine with executive privileges

Hang on, can't we just turn off the internet?

offbeat

BOFH: If the meatbags can't agree on aircon, AI will decide for them

How were we to know Bikram Choudhury was in the training data?

calling from cellphone, wet on a beach. Pic credit Andrew Lever / Shutterstock

offbeat

BOFH: Are you ready to raise our expense account limits now?

Yet another AI sales creep ruined by PFY's manual reading tactics

Two sales or business people at the door to an office, walking in

offbeat

BOFH: What physics defines as impossible, sales calls a challenge

The Boss imagineers a new laptop spec with help from AI

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offbeat

BOFH: Nobody would be stupid enough to go live with the mirror system, surely

Oh. Well. Color us surprised

offbeat

BOFH: Loss adjuster discovers liability is a two-way street

Insurance negotiations take a turn for the Thames

offbeat

BOFH: Eight pints of a lager and a management breakthrough

The Boss has been on a retreat, which means he needs a factory reset ASAP

offbeat

BOFH: Every computer system eventually serves ads

Boss's bright idea enshittifies itself in record time

offbeat

BOFH: The Christmas spirit has run dry – time to show some chiller instinct

After the boardroom is ransacked, it's straight into Arse Covering 101

offbeat

BOFH: All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner

Minor firmware issues coincide with workplace absence among leadership

offbeat

BOFH: If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident

Mid-career ennui leads to electrifying fallout

offbeat

BOFH: Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management

All this nonsense and we haven't even had Third Breakfast yet

group of people in suits look at laptop screens

offbeat

BOFH: You know something's up when the suits want to spend money

Generosity has nothing to do with it – there's a bonus (of sorts) on the line

Business types meditate in green field. Photo via Shutterstock

offbeat

BOFH: Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time

The quickest route to carbon neutrality is creative accounting

offbeat

BOFH: Recover a database from five years ago? It's as easy as flicking a switch

But nobody needs to know that

offbeat

BOFH: HR discovers the limits of vertical mobility

Ambitious relocation plan stalls between floors 5 and 6

offbeat

BOFH: These office thefts really take the biscuit

And the PFY and I are not about to get dunked for it

offbeat

BOFH: HR plays checkers, IT plays 5D chess

It's not sabotage if you log a maintenance ticket first

offbeat

BOFH: Deepfake or just an idiot? We'll need an audit to confirm

The Boss gets locked out by his own two-factor mousetrap

offbeat

BOFH: If you can't beat the AI, let it live inside you

Workplace transformation begins with a scalpel and a 12v feed

offbeat

BOFH: The auditor is asking too many questions. We have just the laptop for that

Sale, skip, or blackmail – your asset disposal options explained

offbeat

BOFH: Peeling back the layers of the magic banana industrial complex

New fruit detected – please update hype cycle

Generic shot of a VOIP / PBX system covered in network cabling

offbeat

BOFH: Rerouting responsibility via firewall configs

Two lines of code for an arbitrary office reshuffle sounds too much like work

offbeat

BOFH: The Boss meets the unbearable weight of innovation

The future of snacks is here, and it's a bit unsteady

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offbeat

BOFH: HR tries to think appy thoughts

Look, it's using big words like 'gamification'!

offbeat

BOFH: The Prints of Darkness pays a visit

On the third day of BOFH-mas the sales guy took from me: 3 MFPs, 2 unasked-for shoves, and a cartridge in a cup of tea...

offbeat

BOFH: There's a fatal error in the blinkenlights

Who needs actual server hardware when you can fire up a Linux laptop with the Matrix screensaver?

Someone smashing keys off a computer keyboard with their fists

offbeat

BOFH: Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

Schrödinger's firmware and the refreshing power cycle

A line of people waiting for a job interview

offbeat

BOFH: HR's AI hiring tool is perfectly unbiased – as long as you're us

Who knew the secret to workplace harmony was JUGULATOR?

offbeat

BOFH: The USB stick always comes back – until it doesn't

The soldering iron will see to that

offbeat

BOFH: Engage Hollywood Protocol – because nonsense always looks legit

And if that fails, there's cold, hard cash

offbeat

BOFH: How to innosplain your way through an audit

[ɪnəʊspleɪn] Verb. 1. The ability to prattle on in a condescending manner about technology that doesn't exist yet

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BOFH

BOFH: Forecasting and the fine art of desktop upgrades

New year, new PC

BOFH

BOFH: Printer's festive bips herald a merry mystery for the Boss's budget

Merry as in see you down the pub

BOFH

BOFH: Don't sell The Boss a firewall. Sell him The Dream

Have I got an opportunity for you!

BOFH

BOFH: The devil's in the contract details

But at least we have the PFY – and beautiful views from the office window

BOFH

BOFH: Don't threaten us with a good time – ensure it

Enterprise-level insurance? What are we, Trekkies?

BOFH

BOFH: The Boss pulled the plug on our AI, so we pulled the pin on him

Database licensing can be such a contentious area

BOFH

BOFH: Boss's quest for AI-generated program ends where it should've begun

With SUM()

BOFH

BOFH: AI consultant rapidly transitioned to new role as automotive surface consultant

Now he has a bunch of free time too – in hospital

BOFH

BOFH: The Boss is right, the applications of AI are truly staggering

The future... of defenestration

BOFH

BOFH: Videoconferencing for special dummies

Can't question the documentation if there is no documentation

BOFH

BOFH: The true gravity of the Boss and the 3-coffee problem

2 bodies of arbitrary positive mass, one of which is the PFY, don't seem very influenced by the chief

BOFH

BOFH: Well, we did tell you to keep the BitLocker keys safe

All this overtime will surely fund a 'recovery workshops' tour of Belgium

BOFH

BOFH: It's not generative AI at all, it's degenerate AI

It's training day at HQ... which means pub time is getting closer

BOFH

BOFH: Why's the network so slow?

Let's take a detour into the Boss's budget to solve this little routing issue

BOFH

BOFH: An 'AI PC' for an Acutely Ignorant user

The Boss won't know the difference

BOFH

BOFH: Come on down to the dunge– erm … basement

An infinite pile of retro tat has an infinite mass and infinite gravity. The universe, the tat, and the Company hurtle towards the singularity

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BOFH

BOFH: The greatest victory is that which requires no battle

The gimlet eye of AI turns towards … the IT dept

BOFH

BOFH: Smells like Teams spirit

The new Boss is overly keen on workplace collaboration tech

BOFH

BOFH: The new Boss, Aiman, is suspiciously good – for now

Of course our unfriendly neighborhood sysadmin has nothing to do with it

BOFH

BOFH: So you want more boardroom tech that no one knows how to use

Remember that scene from Scanners?

BOFH

BOFH: I get locked out, but I get in again

You're never going to keep me out

BOFH

BOFH: In the event of a conference, the ninja clause always applies

Remember to fall to the ground clutching your chest if a salesperson addresses you

BOFH

BOFH: Hearken! The Shiny Button software speaks of Strategic Realignment

It'll wink and blink, but not make you think

BOFH

robot suggests email wording - illustrative conceptual

BOFH: Looks like you're writing an email. Fancy telling your colleague to #$%^ off?

The Boss brings the wonders of AI automation into the office

BOFH

BOFH: Nice air conditioning system. Would be a shame if anything happened to it

How to 'improve your service level' with 'AI' when redundancies loom

BOFH

BOFH: The Christmas party was so good, an independent inquiry is required

So ... time for round 2?

BOFH

BOFH: Just because we've had record revenues doesn't mean you get a Xmas bonus

Are you sure you don't want to rethink that, though, Boss?

BOFH

BOFH: Groundbreaking discovery or patently obvious trolling?

Get off my intellectual property

BOFH

BOFH: Monitor mount moans end in Beancounter beatdown

Now that's how you spend the (newly created) entertainment budget

BOFH

Cat stares at vacuum cleaner robot. Photo by shutterstock

BOFH: Adventures in overenthusiastic automation

The Boss really just gave IT a robo-vac army to 'revolutionize' office cleaning

BOFH

A 3D landscape rendered as a wireframe mesh

BOFH: We've made a big mesh, Boss. That's what you wanted, right?

The signal is strongest in the pub...

BOFH

BOFH: A security issue, you say? Activate code tangerine

When you utter those words, it empowers us to do anything

BOFH

BOFH: What a beautiful tinfoil hat, Boss!

In which our heroes keep the office safe as only they know how

BOFH

BOFH: Zen and the art of battery replacement

With a spot of insurance fraud

BOFH

BOFH: WELCOME TO COLOSSAL SERVER ROOM ADVENTURE!!

If Health and Safety want to describe Mission Control like a text adventure, they can have a text adventure

BOFH

BOFH: You can be replaced by a robot or get your carbon footprint below Big Dave's

Decisions, decisions

BOFH

BOFH: Lies, damned lies, and standards

What do you mean you've never heard of the toner-cartridge diet?

BOFH

BOFH: Cough up half a grand and we'll protect you from AI

You get job security, we get lager and deep-fried food

BOFH

BOFH: Good news, everyone – we're in the sausage business

Contracts. Do you read them?

BOFH

BOFH: Get me a new data file or your manager finds out exactly what you think of him

A developer in sales? You poor, poor creature

BOFH

BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. So much better than a bonus

Is your hair on fire or is it just that lovely Spring sunshine?

BOFH

BOFH takes a visit to retro computing land

You know what never gets old? Taking the Boss for a ride...

BOFH

Graphic of someone falling through a tunnel of flying office supplies

BOFH: We send a user to visit Kelvin – Keeper of the Batteries

He was charged on the spot

BOFH

BOFH: The Board members are looking very ill these days

Be nice if someone would keep a closer eye on them ...

BOFH

BOFH: I care a lot ... about onion bhajis

Users and colleagues? You couldn't pay me enough

BOFH

BOFH: The PFY has won an award … for outstanding service?

Something's not right here

BOFH

BOFH: Generating a report the Director can show the Board – THIS is what AI was made for

Spelling mistakes? Poor understanding of grammar? Yes, it looks like your work

BOFH

BOFH and the case of the Zoom call that never was

No boss, your monitor is not a computer

BOFH

BOFH: It's 4ft tall, heavyset, has optional fax. No they didn't take the toner!

PFY and Simon do some of their best work: outsmarting thieves, drinking beer and reading the fine print

BOFH

BOFH and the office security access upgrade

I don't care what the app says, I'm not dead!

BOFH

BOFH: Come back to the office. Your hotdesk is nice and warm

When your Christmas bonus is a gaming chair you found in the street

BOFH

BOFH: We're an industry leader … in employing idiot managers

Actually, strike the second part …

BOFH

BOFH: Don't be nervous, Mr Consultant. Come right this way …

BOFH

BOFH: I know of a small biz that could deliver nothing for a fraction of the cost

BOFH

BOFH: The Boss has a new watch – move readiness to DEFCON 2

BOFH

BOFH: You want presentation layer, but we're physical layer

BOFH

Man with YOLO tattooed on his knuckles prepares to punch the viewer (of the pic). Photo by Shutterstock

BOFH: It's Friday, it's time to RTFM

BOFH

BOFH and the case of the disappearing teaspoons

BOFH

BOFH: Who us? Sysadmins? Spend time with other departments?

BOFH

BOFH: Selling the boss on a crypto startup

BOFH

BOFH: Would I lie to you, Boss?

BOFH

Employer looks at smiling candidate's CV

BOFH: HR's gold mine gambit – they get the gold and we get the shaft

BOFH

BOFH: Tech helps HR investigate the Boss's devices

BOFH

BOFH: Where do you think you are going with that toner cartridge?

BOFH

trust fall - illustration of team building exercise

BOFH: You'll have to really trust me on this team-building exercise

BOFH

BOFH: Something's consuming 40% of UPS capacity – and it's coming from the beancounters' office

BOFH

BOFH: The evil guide to upgrading switches

BOFH

BOFH: Putting the gross in gross insubordination

BOFH

BOFH: Gaming rig for your home office? Yeah right

BOFH

BOFH: All hail the job cuts consultant

BOFH

BOFH: The Geek's Countergambit – outwitted at an electronics store

BOFH

BOFH: On Wednesdays, we wear gloves

BOFH

BOFH: What a beautiful classic car. Shame if anything were to happen to it

BOFH

BOFH: The vengeance bus is coming, and everybody's jumping. An Xmas bonus hits me…

BOFH

BOFH: Time to put the Pretty Dumb F in PDF reader

BOFH

BOFH: What if International Bad Actors designed the vaccine to make us watch more Steven Seagal movies?

BOFH

BOFH: You drive me crazy... and I can't help myself

BOFH

BOFH: So you want to have your computer switched out for something faster? It's time to learn from the master

BOFH

BOFH: You. Wouldn't. Put. A. Test. Machine. Into. Production. Without. Telling. Us.

BOFH

BOFH: You'll find there's a company asset tag right here, underneath the monstrously heavy arcade machine

BOFH

BOFH: Pass the sugar, Asmodeus, and let the meeting of the Fellowship of Bastards … commence

BOFH

BOFH: 'What's an NFT?' the Boss asks. In this case, 'not financially thoughtful'

BOFH

BOFH: They say you either love it or you hate it. We can confirm you're going to hate it

BOFH

BOFH: You say goodbye and I say halon

BOFH

BOFH: But soft! What light through yonder filing cabinet breaks?

BOFH

BOFH: Where there is darkness, let there be a light

BOFH

BOFH: Here in my car I feel safest of all. I can listen to you ... It keeps me stable for days

BOFH

BOFH: Oh for Pete’s sake. Don’t make a spectacle of yourself

BOFH

BOFH: When the Sun rises in the West and sets in the East, only then will the UPS cease to supply uninterrupted voltage

BOFH

BOFH: Despite the extremely hazardous staircase, our IT insurance agreement is at an all-time low. Can't think why

BOFH

BOFH: I'm so pleased to be on the call, Boss. No, of course this isn't a recording

BOFH

BOFH: But we think the UK tax authorities would be VERY interested in how we used COVID support packages

BOFH

ancient monitor growing flowers in garden

BOFH: Postman BOFH's Special Delivery Service

BOFH

BOFH: Bullying? Not on my watch! (It's a Rolex)

BOFH

BOFH: 7 jars of Marmite, a laptop and a good time

BOFH

Kid with lantern and robe and a d20 gaming dice

BOFH: Are you a druid? Legally, you have to tell me if you're a druid

BOFH

managerial type coworker holds forth on zoom

BOFH: Time for the MMOCC. You know, the Massively Moronic Online Christmas Call

BOFH

electrician plays with live wires in rain

BOFH: Switch off the building? Great idea, Boss

BOFH

BOFH: You might want to sit down for this. Oh, right, you can't. Listen carefully: THIS IS NOT AN IT PROBLEM!

BOFH

BOFH: Rome, I have been thy soldier 40 years... give me a staff of honour for mine age

BOFH

BOFH: Will the last one out switch off the printer?

BOFH

Older man looking at younger self in the mirror

BOFH: Here he comes, all wide-eyed with the boundless optimism of youth. He is me, 30 years ago... what to do?

BOFH

BOFH: Gosh, IPv5? Why didn't I think of that? Say, how do you like the new windows in here? Take a look. Closer...

BOFH

BOFH: Darn Windows 7. It's totally why we need a £1k graphics card for a business computer

BOFH

BOFH: When was the last time someone said these exact words to you: You are the sunshine of my life?

BOFH

BOFH: You brought nothing to the party but a six-pack of regret

BOFH

The scrubs and stethoscope? They're from Accounts' Halloween party. You reckon this life support machine needs turning off and on again, Simon?

BOFH: The case of the Boss's hidden USB inkjet printer

BOFH

BOFH: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and the ransomware struck

BOFH

BOFH: I'd like introduce you to a groovy little web log I call 'That's Boss'

BOFH

BOFH: Trying to go after IT's budget again?

BOFH

BOFH: Judge us not by the size of our database, but the size of our augmented reality

BOFH

Dissident walking away from burning vehicle

BOFH: The company survived the disaster recovery test. Just. The Director's car, however...

BOFH

man with old-fashioned typewriter in office

BOFH: We must... have... beer! Only... cure... for... electromagnetic fields

BOFH

BOFH: What's the Gnasher? Why, it's our heavy-duty macerator sewage pump

BOFH

BOFH: Oh, go on, let's flush all that legacy tech down the toilet

BOFH

BOFH: On a sunny day like this one, the concrete dries so much more quickly

BOFH

BOFH: What's Near Field Implementation? Oh, you'll see. Turn left here

BOFH

instagram model looking teen with a laptop

BOFH: It's not just an awesome app, it'll look great on my Insta. . a. a. AAAARRRRRGGH

BOFH

BOFH: Tick tick BOOM. It's B-day! No we're not eating Brussels flouts...

BOFH

BOFH: Bye desktop, bye desk. Hello tablet and a beanbag on the floor

BOFH

BOFH: State of a job, eh? Roll the Endless Requests for Further Information protocol

Software

Software engineer fired, shut out of office for three weeks by machine

BOFH

BOFH: Is everybody ready for the meeting? Grab a crayon – let's get technical

BOFH

BOFH: Got that syncing feeling, hm? I've looked at your computer and the Outlook isn't great

BOFH

Repairman in orange overalls threateningly wields tape measure

BOFH: Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'

BOFH

BOFH: But I did log in to the portal, Dave

BOFH

old man wearing gold chain and sleeve tattoos

BOFH: Guys? Guys? We need blockchain... can you install blockchain?

BOFH

man dressed as zombie doing accounts/audit

BOFH: We know where the bodies are buried

BOFH

Scared looking office consultant hides under desk

BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....

BOFH

BOFH: Honourable misconduct

BOFH

Cover of PUBG game with the PFY's head (complete with headset) superimposed on hero's shoulders

BOFH: Turn your server rack hotspot to a server rack notspot

BOFH

open window in an office building... just the right size for a person to fall out

BOFH: We want you to know you have our full support

BOFH

BOFH: Buttock And Departmental Defence ... As A Service

OSes

BOFH: The trouble with, er, windows installs

BOFH

Belt with antique looking cellphone strapped to it in a brass pouch

BOFH: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

BOFH

BOFH: Do I smell burning toes, I mean burning toast?

BOFH

BOFH: Oh dear. Did someone get lost on the Audit Trail?

BOFH

BOFH: Come on, PFY, let's pick a Boss

BOFH

BOFH: We're only here because they said there would be biscuits

BOFH

BOFH: Oh go on. Strap me to your Hell Desk, PFY

BOFH

BOFH: That's right. Turn it off. Turn it on

BOFH

BOFH: Putting the commitment into committee

BOFH

Man with bun sucks on vape. Photo by shutterstock

BOFH: Halon is not a rad new vape flavour

BOFH

James has entered the bastardly matrix. Illustrations from SStock, text from The Reg

BOFH: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back

BOFH

BOFH: Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don't Have

BOFH

BOFH: The Boss, the floppy and the work 'experience'

BOFH

It's beer o clock for sysadmins. Photo by SHutterstock

BOFH: Don't back up in anger

BOFH

Man with clipboard, hardhat and concerned expression next to a pressure gauge in an industrial setting. Pic by Shutterstock

BOFH: Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you

BOFH

shouting at laptop 2 via shutterstock.jpg

BOFH: Password HELL. For you, mate, not for me

BOFH

Scientist says nope. Photo by SHutterstock

BOFH: The Hypochondriac Boss and the non-random sample

BOFH

BOFH: The Idiot-ware Project and the Meaningless Acronym

BOFH

BOFH: There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions. Mmm, really wrong ones

BOFH

PRIVATE investigator on the phone, smoking a cigar, looks around suspiciously. Photo by Shutterstock

BOFH: The case of the suspicious red icon

BOFH

Two beer glasses clash and splash frothy beer into the air. Cheers! Photo by Shutterstock

BOFH: Free as in free beer or... Oh. 'Free Upgrade'

BOFH

Smiling man wears VR headset against backdrop of city. Photo by Shutterstock

BOFH: I found a flying Dragonite on a Windows 2003 domain

BOFH

Man shreds documents. Photo by Shutterstock

BOFH: Follow the paper trail

Devops

DevOps is for all, says DevOps pundit-in-chief. He doesn't have it in for the BOFH, honest

BOFH

Techie wields circular saw while standing over the innards of a workstation. Photo by Shutterstock

BOFH: What's your point, caller?

On-Prem

fluke samed http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-1092443p1.html

Must listen: We've found the real Bastard Operator From Hell

BOFH

Ozzy Osbourne performing live with his bassist Blasko in 2013. Photo by Harmony Gerber, Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic

BOFH: Thermo-electric funeral

BOFH

BOFH: If you liked it then you should've put the internet in it

BOFH

Angry man yelling on phone while reading vintage printer paper report. Photo by SHutterstock

BOFH: Sure, I could make your cheapo printer perform miracles

BOFH

BOFH: This laptop has ceased to be. And it's pub o'clock soon

BOFH

Kevin Steen hitting Adam Cole with a superkick at the Ring of Honor tapings held at the Ted Reeve Arena in Toronto. Pic by Tabercil, licensed under CC 3.0

BOFH: In-depth IT training needs a single-malt distillery

BOFH

BOFH: I want no memory of this pointless conversation. Alcohol please

BOFH

BOFH: Taking a spin in a decommissioned racer? On your own grill cam be it

BOFH

BOFH: How long does it take to complete Friday's lager-related tasks?

BOFH

BOFH: We're miracle workers. But you want us to fix THAT in 10 minutes?

BOFH

BOFH: I'm not doing this for the benefit of your health, you know

BOFH

BOFH: Press 1. Press 2. Press whatever you damn well LIKE

BOFH

BOFH: Power corrupts, uninterrupted power corrupts absolutely

BOFH