If your sex does require an emergency supply kit, and ends up with someone passed out, covered in hives and bleeding while the fire department is kicking your door in, we humbly suggest you just seriously did something wrong. Like really wrong. Whatever you were doing, don't do it again. For the love of God, don't do it again.
There is no passion without broken crockery.
"When did the building fall down?"
— Buffy after having truly destructive sex with Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Wrecked"
"That... got a little dark."
— Sterling Archer, after a 3-way with Lana and an arms dealer that involves chocolate smeared everywhere, Archer
Bashir: A compound fracture of the right radius, two fractured ribs, torn ligaments, strained tendons, numerous contusions, bruises and scratches — what have you been doing?
Quark: You mean... [to his unscratched Klingon girlfriend] what have we been doing? [they laugh]
Bashir: Never mind. I don't need that particular image running around my head — I'll just treat you.
[Jadzia and Worf stagger in, supporting each other]
Bashir: What happened to you two?
Worf: We, um—
Jadzia: Well, um, if you must know—
Bashir: No! No, uh, I don't need that image either. In fact, I — I'm going to stop asking that question altogether. People can come in, I will treat them, and that's all.
Quark: You mean... [to his unscratched Klingon girlfriend] what have we been doing? [they laugh]
Bashir: Never mind. I don't need that particular image running around my head — I'll just treat you.
[Jadzia and Worf stagger in, supporting each other]
Bashir: What happened to you two?
Worf: We, um—
Jadzia: Well, um, if you must know—
Bashir: No! No, uh, I don't need that image either. In fact, I — I'm going to stop asking that question altogether. People can come in, I will treat them, and that's all.
Clerk 1: You saw 'em! They had the stripes!note
Clerk 2: And you know what that means.
Clerk 1: What, what — like "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex?"
Clerk 2: No, Laughing Boy, think. "Man of Steel, Woman of Steel, Bed of Kleenex."
Clerk 2: And you know what that means.
Clerk 1: What, what — like "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex?"
Clerk 2: No, Laughing Boy, think. "Man of Steel, Woman of Steel, Bed of Kleenex."
I'm not trying to be crude, but it plays out a lot like a bar fight. Bodies get hurled around. Things get broken. Some pretty filthy language is uttered. Some very misplaced anger is present. And tomorrow, there's definitely going to be some bruising.
— Catwoman, Volume 1 the Game
"We didn't break the bed this time, did we? I mean, we really didn't, did we? I don't want to cost you any more money."
— Dev-Em, Hellsister Trilogy
Naruto: (after receiving a noogie) Are you this rough with Shino too?
Fu: Please, I'm MUCH rougher with him. Then again, Shino is manly enough to take in all my love.
Fu: Please, I'm MUCH rougher with him. Then again, Shino is manly enough to take in all my love.
"Oh, Gregory! You've broken the bed!" (Beat) "Don't look so pleased wi' yaself. It's old, it didn' take much."
— Sharon Theodopolopodous, Birds of a Feather (1989), "Trouble and Strife"
Cherri Bomb: [having just woken up during midnight] Strewth! What the bloody fuck was that?
Husk: Sixty-six.
Cherri Bomb: [hears sounds of moaning from above] No, I meant the fuckin' earthquake, ya wanker.
Husk: Number sixty-six.
[Angel Dust finger flashes the number sixty-seven]
Cherri Bomb: [drops her jaw upon realizing that Charlie Morningstar and Vaggie are having sex] Fuckin' seriously? I mean, good on them, literally rockin' the house. This happen often?
Husk: [nods] Closest to this we've seen was Charlie's stress-cracking. [Beat] Reminds me. New hotel is a lot sturdier than the old one, but better check that the rumbling hasn't loosened any of the chandeliers later.
Angel Dust: Yeah, that was embarrassing.
[another chorus of moans is heard from above]
Husk: Sixty-eight.
Cherri Bomb: [notices Emily's own voice among the vocal noises] That's not just Charlie and Vaggie, is it? [Angel Dust and Husk nod] I'm going back to bed before I get fuckin' jealous.
Angel Dust: I'll go with you this time. As a precaution. [turns to Husk] Night, pal. And hey, be wary of mirrors for a day or two.
Husk: Sixty-six.
Cherri Bomb: [hears sounds of moaning from above] No, I meant the fuckin' earthquake, ya wanker.
Husk: Number sixty-six.
[Angel Dust finger flashes the number sixty-seven]
Cherri Bomb: [drops her jaw upon realizing that Charlie Morningstar and Vaggie are having sex] Fuckin' seriously? I mean, good on them, literally rockin' the house. This happen often?
Husk: [nods] Closest to this we've seen was Charlie's stress-cracking. [Beat] Reminds me. New hotel is a lot sturdier than the old one, but better check that the rumbling hasn't loosened any of the chandeliers later.
Angel Dust: Yeah, that was embarrassing.
[another chorus of moans is heard from above]
Husk: Sixty-eight.
Cherri Bomb: [notices Emily's own voice among the vocal noises] That's not just Charlie and Vaggie, is it? [Angel Dust and Husk nod] I'm going back to bed before I get fuckin' jealous.
Angel Dust: I'll go with you this time. As a precaution. [turns to Husk] Night, pal. And hey, be wary of mirrors for a day or two.
— Charlie's Angels (Kkat), Chapter 6: "Revelations"
Angel Dust: We're going to need Charliegasm insurance.
Charlie Morningstar: ...What...?
[...]
Vaggie: I... can't believe... I mean, I knew angels could... and a seraphim must be...
Charlie: Charliegasms?
Angel Dust: Oh, yeah. I mean, we counted. Number sixty-six woke up Cherri.
[Lucifer Morningstar starts to feel awkward while Charlie becomes mortified by what Angel Dust's saying]
Emily: Yes, well, Molly told me I should tone it way down for our first few times.
Charlie Morningstar: ...What...?
[...]
Vaggie: I... can't believe... I mean, I knew angels could... and a seraphim must be...
Charlie: Charliegasms?
Angel Dust: Oh, yeah. I mean, we counted. Number sixty-six woke up Cherri.
[Lucifer Morningstar starts to feel awkward while Charlie becomes mortified by what Angel Dust's saying]
Emily: Yes, well, Molly told me I should tone it way down for our first few times.
— Angel Dust commenting on the aftermath of Charlie, Vaggie and Emily's Three-Way Sex, Charlie's Angels (Kkat), Chapter 7: "Songs"
Husk: Hey, Charlie. Here. A requisition for the inventory we lost last night. [hands Charlie a sheet on the Hazbin Hotels' recent property damages]
Charlie Morningstar: [grabs the sheet and reads it] What? This, uh... is a lot. What happened?
Husk: [shrugs] Bottles got broken.
Charlie: Husk, how did so many bottles get broken last night? Was there a fight after we went to bed? Was it the Izzi mind-thing?
Husk: No, it wasn't that. And... I'm not sure "fight" is the right word.
Charlie: Then what...?
Husk: Every time you orgasmed, it shook the building.
Charlie: ...What?
Husk: We started calling them "Charliegasms" after around the fourteenth one...
Charlie: "We?"
Husk: Oh, everybody felt it. Even those far enough away not to hear it. [Charlie makes a mortified face] Some were quite powerful. Lights flickering, pictures coming off the walls... Want to know which one cost us the malt?
Charlie: [gives Husk a large amount of printed cash] Here'sthemoneyjustreplaceeverythingweneed!
Charlie Morningstar: [grabs the sheet and reads it] What? This, uh... is a lot. What happened?
Husk: [shrugs] Bottles got broken.
Charlie: Husk, how did so many bottles get broken last night? Was there a fight after we went to bed? Was it the Izzi mind-thing?
Husk: No, it wasn't that. And... I'm not sure "fight" is the right word.
Charlie: Then what...?
Husk: Every time you orgasmed, it shook the building.
Charlie: ...What?
Husk: We started calling them "Charliegasms" after around the fourteenth one...
Charlie: "We?"
Husk: Oh, everybody felt it. Even those far enough away not to hear it. [Charlie makes a mortified face] Some were quite powerful. Lights flickering, pictures coming off the walls... Want to know which one cost us the malt?
Charlie: [gives Husk a large amount of printed cash] Here'sthemoneyjustreplaceeverythingweneed!
— Husk detailing the property damages caused by Charlie, Vaggie and Emily's Three-Way Sex, Charlie's Angels (Kkat), Chapter 7: "Songs"
Comic Books
"Oh, please...! <HIC> As if that bedframe could possibly withstand the extreme forces of superhuman coupling...!"'
— A drunken Caitlin Fairchild commenting on a sex scene from a Gen 13 movie, Gen¹³ #75