Anime & Manga
"The dead ones don't sue you."
— Barazo Mankanshoku, Kill la Kill
"You know, I'm not a licensed physician."
— "Doc", Cyberpunk: Edgerunners
Fan Works
As [Jack] discovered, you can always locate an under-the-table exception to doing the right thing if you look hard enough. One of his construction job colleagues had an uncle who would perform any kind of animal surgery for the right price.
Film — Live-Action
(sneezes) "This damn cold. (Beat) Don't worry. You see, I could cut open your chest and sew a dead cat in there, and you wouldn't ever get an infection. Not with the spectrum of antibios I'll be shooting into you."
— Dr. Solomon Eddie, Minority Report
Literature
"And now, I commit a crime so novel, it doesn't even have a name. The Souling of a fabricant. But instead of a brass band, a nobel of outstanding scientific achievement and a university sinecure, all I earn is a guaranteed bench in the Lighthouse."
— The Implanter, Cloud Atlas
Rusty: It didn't sound like a real doctor. That's not how the conversations go when I talk to mine.
Serge: There are all kinds of different definitions for "real." Right now, we're real desperate. We can't go to a traditional hospital because they're required by law to report gunshot wounds. Does that sound fair?[…] You're already a victim and now you have to explain things to the police. Maybe you don't feel like talking to them. I don't think you should have to explain a preference like that. Unfortunately, the way the law reads, if you want any privacy, you’re compelled to go outside normal channels. And thanks to elitists at the AMA, it's gotten a bad name.
Rusty: What's gotten a bad name?
Serge: Surgery on the secondary market.
Serge: There are all kinds of different definitions for "real." Right now, we're real desperate. We can't go to a traditional hospital because they're required by law to report gunshot wounds. Does that sound fair?[…] You're already a victim and now you have to explain things to the police. Maybe you don't feel like talking to them. I don't think you should have to explain a preference like that. Unfortunately, the way the law reads, if you want any privacy, you’re compelled to go outside normal channels. And thanks to elitists at the AMA, it's gotten a bad name.
Rusty: What's gotten a bad name?
Serge: Surgery on the secondary market.
— Serge Storms: Cadillac Beach
Live-Action Television
"The thing about mob doctors, is that they become mob doctors because they suck as regular doctors."
— Catherine Willows, CSI
"We need a street medic who makes house calls."
— Hunter (1984), "Unfinished Business"
Dr. Charles: They got ya good... Look, there's a reason I'm here and not Mount Sinai, okay? It ain't my bedside manner. I do flesh wounds. You know, fix up guys who took a shot to the arm, the leg, you know, maybe need a few sutures after a fight gone bad. But you should go to a hospital!
Billy Russo: They're going to lock me back up. Here's what's gonna happen. [points gun at him] You're gonna pull out those bullets, and you're going to close me up. Do you understand?
Billy Russo: They're going to lock me back up. Here's what's gonna happen. [points gun at him] You're gonna pull out those bullets, and you're going to close me up. Do you understand?
Music
Good friends you thus will clearly see
How quick and cheap each remedy
For if you come whate'er your pain
You'll never need return again
How quick and cheap each remedy
For if you come whate'er your pain
You'll never need return again
— "Doctor Ironheart"
It's a fact — I'm a quack
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my patients die,
Yah my patients die, Before they can pay.
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my patients die,
Yah my patients die, Before they can pay.
— "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Like a Surgeon"
Yes, I can do everything
You need from out of my new SUV
All my work is guaranteed
To last the length of your recovery
Put away those pliers, honey
Trust me 'cause I know the options
How about a nine month long vacation
And a two foot coffin
You need from out of my new SUV
All my work is guaranteed
To last the length of your recovery
Put away those pliers, honey
Trust me 'cause I know the options
How about a nine month long vacation
And a two foot coffin
— The Dresden Dolls, "Mandy Goes to Med School"
I told him I got water on the knee
He gave me a sponge and raised his fee
He gave me a sponge and raised his fee
— Rodney Dangerfield, "Rappin' Rodney"
Video Games
"Who needs a real doctor when you've got my machines and their scary needles?"
— Dr. Zed, Borderlands 1
"I might not have a 'Med School Degree', but when you get shot, you'll be happy I'm here."
— Dr. Zed, ''Borderlands 1'
"Please insert any donated organs into the receptacle below."
— Zed's Meds vending machine, Borderlands 2
"All right, I'll just get my scalpel here, and... ugh. Did I leave that sitting outside? Well, you know what? Free tetanus shot!"
— "Dr." Ada Straus, Fallout: New Vegas
Raffi Leevon is a fake! A quack! I can't practise medicine alongside him! Unload him, and I'll stick around. Otherwise, I'm gone!
— Dr. Clifford Highball, Jagged Alliance
"I know Dhagon personally. He's one of the worst doctors I've ever heard of. But I can't see him deliberately killing someone."
— Captain Riiken, Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
"Look around, look around, look at all this: this was a filthy abattoir. Hard to believe, isn't it? Now, Selma has done wonders to this place. She has the heart of an interior decorator and the mind of a dominatrix. Oh, she's also a trained nurse; not that your hospitals would recognize her credentials. The bureaucracy and politics of the medical establishment is the antithesis to progress. This is why we have built our own clinic. Who needs a medical license when you can cater to sophisticated clientele such as you and your kind, a clientele that appreciates artistry and is willing to, let's call it, bypass traditional channels for the sake of beauty and perfection?"
— Dr. Aldini, The Secret World
Web Animation
"Vait, it gets better! Vhen ze patient woke up, his skeleton vas missing, and ze doctor vas never heard from again! [he laughs, and the Heavy starts laughing afterwards] Anyvay, zat's how I lost my medical license. Heh."
— The Medic, Team Fortress 2, "Meet the Medic"
Webcomics
You were lucky enough to have a friend who didn't mind getting her hands dirty on account of your best interest. A friend with a chainsaw.
Shine: Wait, but then wouldn't you lose your operating license?
Hakase: Oh! No need to worry about that, I never had one!
Hakase: Oh! No need to worry about that, I never had one!
Pauling: What happened? I thought we all....
Medic: Died? Ha ha ha, heavens, no! Well, yes. But only momentarily! Your hearts barely had time to stop beating! The robots merely drained out all of your blood. So! I just put the blood back in!
Pauling: I refuse to believe it's that easy.
Medic: I know! Ja, why do people even go to medical school?
Medic: Died? Ha ha ha, heavens, no! Well, yes. But only momentarily! Your hearts barely had time to stop beating! The robots merely drained out all of your blood. So! I just put the blood back in!
Pauling: I refuse to believe it's that easy.
Medic: I know! Ja, why do people even go to medical school?
— Team Fortress 2, "The Naked and the Dead"
Websites
SCP-1867: Homunculi, and poorly made ones at that. I do hope the alchemist who created them had his guild license revoked.
SCP-3717-02: He never got it, technically. He’s called the Amazing Zoltan because it’s amazing he’s never been arrested or sued for alchemical malpractice.
SCP-3717-02: He never got it, technically. He’s called the Amazing Zoltan because it’s amazing he’s never been arrested or sued for alchemical malpractice.
Western Animation
[Shake is being operated on by a convicted criminal]
Meatwad: He does do some good work, don't he?
Carl: Yeah, mostly he does hot rods. Sometimes faces.
Meatwad: He does do some good work, don't he?
Carl: Yeah, mostly he does hot rods. Sometimes faces.
"Do you have any idea how expensive medical school is? I imagine it's pretty expensive!"
— Dr. Phil Hartman, Family Guy