"Your friendship much can make me blest,
O why that bliss destroy!
Why urge the only, one request
You know I will deny!"
O why that bliss destroy!
Why urge the only, one request
You know I will deny!"
"Your thought, if Love must harbour there,
Conceal it in that thought;
Nor cause me from my bosom tear
The very friend I sought."
Conceal it in that thought;
Nor cause me from my bosom tear
The very friend I sought."
— Robert Burns, Love in the Guise of Friendship
A Stock Phrase, used when two people are Just Friends, and a Relationship Upgrade seems to be in the cards but isn't quite happening yet. There are at least two different forms this can take:
- Said by one member of the couple to the other. This can be a nicer way of saying "I'm not actually in love with you"; even if it isn't, it will inevitably be perceived that way.
- Said to a third party, as part of a discussion about whether or not to pursue the upgrade.
Note that in the first variant the friendship is usually already ruined — or at least radically altered — just by bringing this up. A Love Confession is Serious Business, and sometimes there's no way to turn one down without hurting their feelings and making things awkward for a while if not permanently; this is why the trope exists in the first place. On the other hand, some people (especially the so-called "Nice Guys") tend to misinterpret this as All Girls Want Bad Boys and start pushing the issue and being jerks about whichever they choose, making the ruined friendship a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. That is if the interested party were honest enough at least to be initially interested in a friendship instead of planning on an upgrade all along. After all this, distancing themselves from their Love Interest seems like the reasonable choice.
Compare/contrast Better as Friends or Stupid Sexy Friend. This rationale tends to be a very common source of Mutual Pining. May be part of the reason why somebody's an Insecure Love Interest.
Examples:
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Anime and Manga
- Comes up indirectly in The Girl Who Leapt Through Time when Chiaki suddenly asks Makoto out on a date. Just wanting things to be the way they were before, she responds by using Time Travel to go back to the moment he told her he liked her so she can keep it from happening. Since she knows how he feels, though, the friendship's still effectively ruined (only now Chiaki doesn't even know why).
- Grand Blue: When Azusa casually propositions Iori for sex, he's at first shocked by the proposal and insists that it's not something you should ask so casually. Azusa then gets a bit pouty and retorts that she's only asking him because she likes him, and that she wouldn't do it with just anyone. She then says that she's half-joking, but that if Iori seriously asks to have sex with her, she will not refuse. After a few tense seconds, Iori stutters a polite refusal (while furiously biting the blanket he's sitting on); while he does find Azusa to be incredibly attractive, he values their friendship too much to potentially ruin it by having sex with her. For her part, Azusa respects his decision and the two remain as friends without further issues.
- Kaguya-sama: Love Is War:
- This ends up being a major plot point regarding Kaguya and Shirogane's Battle of Wits, although with a slight twist. The main reason why Kaguya tries to get Shirogane to confess to her rather than simply confess herself even after she admits to herself that she likes him is because she's afraid that all the signs that he likes her are just her misinterpreting his natural Nice Guy personality.
Kaguya: If you were to reject my confession, there's no doubt that our friendship would be ruined. That's why I want to be confessed to. Because if I were to confess, I might fail. However, if you were to confess to me, your chance of success is 100%!
- This is also the reason why Tsubame is so hesitant to give Ishigami a definitive answer when he unknowingly confesses to her. She isn't really sure if she's romantically attracted to him (along with other issues like the fact that she's going to be graduating soon), but she knows that turning down such a heartfelt confession would break his heart and destroy their already existing relationship. Her attempts to ask Kaguya for advice don't really help due to a case of One Dialogue, Two Conversations.
- This ends up being a major plot point regarding Kaguya and Shirogane's Battle of Wits, although with a slight twist. The main reason why Kaguya tries to get Shirogane to confess to her rather than simply confess herself even after she admits to herself that she likes him is because she's afraid that all the signs that he likes her are just her misinterpreting his natural Nice Guy personality.
- Mobile Suit Gundam Wing has a self-inflicted example, where Relena's Image Songs have her admit that she's in love with Heero, but won't make a move because of this trope, and so is okay with her feelings staying "Always a Secret".
- Rent-A-Girlfriend: Kazuya couldn't confess to Chizuru for fear she will be grossed out and push him away despite realizing that she has done a lot more than a rental girlfriend is expected and possibly breaking the agency's rules for his sake.
- We Were There: This is basically Takeuchi's response to his best friend Yano when asked if the former planned to pursue the latter's on-again-off-again girlfriend, Nanami Takahashi. Unfortunately, things get much more complicated after their conversation since Takeuchi decides to ignore the risks and go after his best friend's sort-of-ex anyway, fully aware that he could end up losing his best friend in the process, since Takeuchi believes "he can make her happier." Thankfully, the boys' friendship stays intact by the end of it all.
- In Whispered Words, this is Sumika's attitude to her relationship with Ushio for a loooong time. And later vice versa.
Comic Books
- Used in American Born Chinese: Melanie tells Danny that she doesn't want to ruin their friendship after he asks her out to the movies. (Though he initially thinks she's rejecting him due to thinking he'll be similar to his annoying cousin Chin-Kee.)
- Robin (1993): While Callie Evans and Sebastian Ives go on a number of dates in their freshman year of high school by the time he decides to ask her to be in a more serious relationship she's decided she doesn't want to endanger their existing friendship for what would undoubtedly be a temporary high school relationship.
Films — Live-Action
- In Fierce Creatures, Vince is convinced that he's on the verge of bedding his sexy co-worker Willa, whom he helped get her job, and is too immature and self-absorbed to realize that she's blatantly stringing him along. When he tries to make another move on her, she tries to deflect with "it's too soon", and finally tells him, "our friendship is special". Vince frustratedly whines, "No, it's NOT!"
- In Plan B (2009), Pablo is reluctant to do a Practice Kiss with Bruno because he fears he'll lose Bruno as a friend if their kiss ends up feeling too romantic. Bruno reassures him that nothing will change between them, but their friendship still ends up being ruined soon after that for different reasons. Fortunately, they're able to mend and upgrade their friendship after they finally come to terms with their feelings for each other.
- With Honors. Having finally realized his feelings for his friend and roommate Courtney, Monty kisses her passionately and declares, "I'm ending our friendship."
- In A World Record Christmas, Charlie develops a crush on his best friend Amy. On his stepfather's advice, he finally decides to tell her how he feels, but Amy tells him she doesn't want to make things "weird." At first Charlie thinks she's calling him weird and is hurt, but Amy later clarifies that Charlie is her best friend and always will be and she doesn't want to complicate their relationship.
Manhwa
- Halloween of Witch Hunter doesn't confess her feelings for her contractor Tasha, because she has seen how he treats girls who are attracted to him, with complete and total respect and kindness, but a clear message he is not looking for a relationship. She is entirely happy being his supporter, as it means she is the closest person to Tasha and able to understand and see more of him than anyone else, including having a literal mental connection to him.
Music
- Clairo's "Bags" is about a woman experiencing romantic feelings for another girl and worrying about confessing due to it having the ability to ruin their friendship.
- "Jenny" by Studio Killers is about defying this trope:
I wanna ruin our friendship
We should be lovers instead
I don’t know how to say this
‘Cause you’re really my dearest friend - Taylor Swift song "Ruin The Friendship" from The Life of a Showgirl deconstructs this. The narrator doesn't tell her friend she has feelings for him because they're close friends and she doesn't want to risk losing what they have, but comes to deeply regret it when he suddenly passes away some years after they graduated and drifted apart. She then advises the listener that it's better to risk ruining the friendship than it is to always wonder what might've been.
Video Games
- Hayate says this to Hitomi in Dead or Alive 5.
- If a female Shepard starts to romance Garrus in Mass Effect, this is what she'll say if she breaks it off.
Visual Novels
- One of the romance paths in Coming Out on Top is with a character who initially seems like he's suffering from a severe case of Gayngst. It turns out his fear is this trope, instead.
- Cinders: Comes into play if the player picks options that could result in Cinders beginning a relationship with Tobias when he asks her out to dinner. Refusing him on the spot will have Cinders cite this trope, and she mentions it in her monologue after accepting the invitation.
- In one scene in Little Busters!, Riki admits that he does actually have kind of a crush on Kyousuke, but doesn't want to tell anyone because he's sure their friendship would break down if he knew.
- Minotaur Hotel: If Pedro and Oscar grow their bonds strong enough, then they'll have a scene where Oscar indirectly asks Pedro if he wants to be in a relationship. Pedro rejects, stating that even though he likes him, and is attracted to him, he can't in good faith start one with Oscar since there's such a big experience gap. He then tells him that he will reconsider it when Oscar's more mature enough to live on his own.
- Henrietta Irving gives this as a reason as to why she hasn't confessed her love to Bram Stoker in Shikkoku no Sharnoth. It's subverted soon after but doesn't end well.
Webcomics
- Daily JoJo: When Wan and Eunjo meet up after being apart for a year, Wan drops several hints that he likes Eunjo and leans in for a kiss when he feels the moment is right. Eunjo does want to kiss, but she thinks Wan is acting on impulse and pushes him away. She previously lost a mentor in her previous boyfriend, so she's afraid she would lose a good friend this time. After carefully looking into Wan's past actions, Eunjo realizes that he really does like her and decides to start dating him.
- In El Goonish Shive, both Elliot
and Susan have listed this among the reasons that they aren't likely to become a couple any time soon. Beyond worrying about their own friendship though, they are also worried about the general dynamics of their social group, particularly concerning Sarah, who is both Elliot's ex and Susan's best friend.
Web Originals
- Deconstructed and played for tragedy in the Hatchetfield saga, specifically in the "Time Bastard" episode of Nightmare Time, where we learn creepy, misogynistic Casanova Wannabe Ted was once a sweet, nerdy college student who was deeply in love with his BFF Jenny. He never said anything to her because he wasn't sure she felt the same, and he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or obligated to date him if she didn't. By the time he finally worked up the nerve to tell her, she'd left town to be with another man... leaving him a "Dear John" Letter admitting that she's always loved him, but it's simply too painful for her to keep in contact with him, knowing her love is unrequited. The lack of proper communication on both ends, plus a healthy dose of Love Hurts, caused Ted to learn all the wrong lessons and turn himself into a "pushy asshole" that women apparently like. Oh, and because this is Hatchetfield, this also sets off a series of Disaster Dominoes that ends with Jenny dead, Ted Trapped in the Past before being given a Fate Worse than Death, and his romantic rival becoming an evil cyborg. Yeah.
- The Music Freaks: Zander’s excuse for not confessing his feelings to Luke throughout all of “A Drummer’s Confession”.
- Deconstructed in The Onion: "But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them."
Western Animation
- In Clone High, Joan of Arc asks Mr. Butlertron for advice on Abe, who doesn't view her as a romantic possibility. Mr. B tells her that "maybe [Abe] just thinks you don't think he doesn't want to not ruin the friendship." When parsed: "maybe [Abe] thinks you think he doesn't want to ruin the friendship," which doesn't seem quite apropos either.
- In Daria, Daria says this at one point of the unaired pilot "Sealed with a Kick"... as part of a complicated revenge plot.
- In Freakazoid!, Freakazoid bemoans how pretty girls always tell nerdy guys "Let's not spoil our special friendship!"
- Harley Quinn (2019): Harley is Poison Ivy's best friend and the most important person in her life, but unlike with Kite Man, Ivy can't trust Harley won't do something that could break her heart or ruin their relationship. After Harley went back to the Joker and let Ivy down so many times, Ivy can barely allow herself to keep Harley as a friend, so becoming lovers with her is too much of a risk for Ivy to take with all the emotional baggage she already has. After Kite Man spells it out for Ivy that her heart really belongs to Harley in "The Runaway Bridesmaid" and breaks off their engagement, she allows herself to reciprocate Harley's feelings.
- Kim Possible. The main reason why Ron Stoppable doesn't get together with Kim before the Relationship Upgrade the two undergo is because of their strong friendship since childhood. Kim's reason is partially due to this, but also because of "the food chain" in social conventions and doubts about Ron's maturity. In Ron's case, it almost leads into I Want My Beloved to Be Happy during So The Drama, where Ron decides against telling Kim how he really feels, leaving her to attend the prom with Eric whilst he doesn't go and instead sits in Bueno Nacho feeling sorry for himself... where he learns that Dr. Drakken is using Bueno Nacho as part of his new plan, leading to the reveal that Eric is a synthodrone and allowing Ron the chance to confess to Kim, who returns his affection.
- It's played with on The Legend of Korra between the titular character and Mako. Mako is already in a relationship with Asami, but he and Korra develop mutual feelings for each other. Mako and Korra sort of try to do this trope, but it turns into a Love Triangle that they don't have time to properly deal with (what with Equalists and all). It ends with a sort of unspoken-but-mutually-agreed-upon breakup between him and Asami, after which Makorra becomes the Official Couple. For about a season.
- Star vs. the Forces of Evil: Star is worried about losing her friendship with Marco after her crush was publicly revealed and they agree to pretend that her Song Day never happened, with Star telling him that the person who revealed her crush was mistaken. Star decides to have a fun summer with him and not act on her crush, especially since Marco is already dating someone else. Once she finds she's leaving with the possibility of never coming back, she decides to tell him how she feels anyways. Later, in the next season of the show, Star has seemingly moved on and is dating someone else, and Marco realizes he's in love with her... and keeps silent about it for the same reason until he's tricked into doing so by a third party.
Real Life
- Victoria Justice from Victorious has been best friends with her co-star on the show, Avan Jogia, for a long time. If you're a big fan of her, you'd think they are meant for each other, given how close they are and that they spend so much time together. But she has stated that the reason he isn't her boyfriend is that she doesn't want to risk something going wrong and not seeing him again outside of on set.
- Comedian Greg Behrendt, who co-wrote the infamous self-help book He's Just Not That into You, cites this as one of the many things guys will say to avoid hurting a woman's feelings by admitting that they're not attracted to her.
- Josh Hutcherson said in an interview that he doesn't want to ruin his Like Brother and Sister relationship with his The Hunger Games co-star Jennifer Lawrence.