Archive of Our Own

An upbeat jingle chimed out from the tinny speaker of the small television sitting on the store shelf, a brightly lit news studio bursting onto the screen. Behind an offensively garish yellow desk, a large white eagle smiled insincerely at the camera.

"Welcome back." Soar said, "I'm here with one of the greatest technical minds of our generation (and my close personal friend), Alan T. Muskrat."

The camera cut abruptly to a stilted looking brown rodent, clearly struggling to contain his disdain for the host. "I've never met you before in my life"

A wide shot framed the duo, just in time to catch the twitch in the eagle's eye. "Hah, what a joker. Classic Aaron."

"Alan."

"That's what I said," Soar lied. "Anyway, you're here today to introduce your brand new invention, the worlds first true artificial intelligence."

One of duo the viewers in the store that had paused to watch was not pleased with this assertion. "What?!" Eggman complained. "Preposterous. I've been creating intelligent robots since I was in third grade."

"I don't know about third grade," Sonic responded, "but they're definitely third rate."

"Quiet you," Eggman grumbled.

"Why are you here anyway?" Sonic asked, "shouldn't you be back at your lab scheming something?"

"It makes it easier to get to the plot..."

"Huh?"

"...of land I'm thinking of buying in town," Eggman finished, irritated. "Will you let me finish before interrupting?"

"Then it wouldn't be an interruption, would it?" Sonic pointed out. "This seems overly contrived."

"Nonsense," Eggman scoffed, "now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to listen to this and I still have to get to the furniture store later to buy a lampshade."

Soar's voice came from the small speaker once again. "Fascinating."

His guest looked bewildered. "You haven't even asked me any questions yet," Alan said, "you just sat there for thirty seconds staring into the middle distance."

"Which I found fascinating," Soar said confidently, entirely unfazed, "as I said. Now, back to your AI thing..."

Alan glared at him for a moment, then shrugged and launched into a clearly prepared sales pitch. "That's correct. I'm here to announce the release of our new 'Fathom Generic Productivity Tool'. This helpful device will act as your personal assistant. It can automate mundane tasks like planning your diary, responding to messages, working on creative projects, all the things that I know everyone hates doing. And with it's patented in-built 'obsequiousity' personality, it can even be the friend that I've..." He coughed awkwardly. "...that you've never had."

"Well," Soar said, staring down at the stack of papers on his desk, "according to my script that sounds like a fabulous product that everyone should definitely want in their life, which I'm certain has nothing to do with you acquiring a controlling stake in this media company earlier today."

"I believe in supporting the free press."

"And I believe whatever I'm told to," Soar replied, "because I really need this job. Have you seen the price of jetpack fuel lately?"

"Best of all," Alan continued, smiling at the camera with the air of someone who had needed the mere concept of sincerity explaining to him with diagrams, "as part of our strategy to ensure everyone has access to this revolutionary technology, we'll be selecting a group of random islanders to receive a free trial of Fathom, starting from tomorrow."

"This is clearly some kind of scam," Eggman said, reaching out to shut off the program, "everyone knows I'm the only one around here capable of creating true artificial intelligence."

From outside the store, a nervous voice drifted in. "Hey," Cubot called, "um, boss?"

"What is it?" Eggman called back in annoyance, "I'm trying to explain my genius to this aggravating blue buffoon."

"How mad would you be", the yellow robot replied, "if I got my head stuck in a fence?"

Eggman sighed. "Again? That's the third time this week."

"Intelligence," Sonic snarked, giving the doctor a sideways glance, "right."

A second voice called from somewhere outside. "Um, Sonic..." Knuckles called, in much the same cadence as Cubot.

It was Sonic's turn to sigh. "Not you too?"

"In my defence," Knuckles replied, "everyone was doing it and I thought it would be impolite not to." There was a beat. "Hah! De-fence."

"You were saying?" Eggman said, folding his arms and looking down at Sonic smugly.

"That's a pretty low bar," Sonic pointed out, "No of-fence, Knux."

"Hah!" the echidna laughed. There was another beat. "I don't get it."

The next day, in the Mayor's office, a series of chairs were arranged in a small semi-circle facing the official's large desk, behind which the small grey mouse sat smiling indulgently. A bored cadre of locals were sitting waiting, occasionally glancing at the one remaining vacant seat impatiently.

"Random islanders, huh?" Sonic said, noting that the group consisted of himself, Amy, Tails, Sticks and Eggman.

"If you are in any way implying," Mayor Fink replied, "that I can only remember the names of a small number of my constituents when pressed at short notice, then please do it more quietly. I'm up for re-election this year."

"I'm not even on the electoral register," Sticks complained, before turning to whisper to the others. "That's how they track you. That, and the radioactive isotopes in the water supply. That's why I've started drinking exclusively from the ocean directly."

"That sounds extremely unhealthy," Tails said, dubiously.

"You say that about all my ideas," Sticks grumbled, "'Don't drink ocean water'. 'Stop rummaging through Eggman's toxic waste disposal site'. 'Stop eating my batteries'." Her eyes narrowed at the fox. "Are you secretly a government spy?"

"Wait," Tails said, "is that why I can't charge any of my inventions?"

"You can't prove anything, narc! I'm on to you."

"As entertaining as this inane banter is," Eggman cut in, "can we please get on with this? I've got an appointment in less than an hour."

"You have an appointment?" Sonic smirked, "what is it, getting your head waxed?"

"No," Eggman protested, "that's every other Wednesday, and... hey! Why am I talking to you about this?"

"We're just waiting for our final randomly selected participant to arrive," the Mayor explained calmly, "I'm sure he'll be here momentarily."

There was a loud thunk from the office door. Despite it being wide open, it appeared someone was having difficulty making their way into the room. There was another thunk, then a red head poked through the doorway. The wooden slatted collar was certainly an unusual choice as a fashion accessory.

"Hey Mayor," Knuckles said, "why did you make the door to your office narrower?"

"Should we help him?" Amy asked quietly.

"No, no," Sonic said, "it's the only way he'll learn."

Several minutes passed, the group watching in silence as a confused echidna attempted to manoeuvre a large fence panel though the narrow doorway.

"This is pathetic," Eggman eventually exclaimed.

"Well," Sonic said, "how did you get Cubot out of this situation?"

"His head is detachable." Eggman shrugged, "Frankly, it happens so often I installed a quick release switch." A tap on his wrist gauntlet caused a loud clang to reverberate through the doorway.

"Did everyone just get taller?" came the confused voice of Cubot from somewhere outside.

"Ugh, fine." Sonic conceded, watching as his large friend failed once again to gain entry. "Tails, help Knuckles get that thing off."

"Are you going to detach my head?" Knuckles asked with concern as the fox approached, "because I just bought a new hat and it would be a shame for it to go to waste."

"Just stand still," Tails replied, staring thoughtfully at the panel for a moment, before tapping it gently on one corner, causing it to immediately collapse into a small pile of wooden slats on the ground.

"Nice job buddy," Sonic said approvingly, turning his attention back to the Mayor as Knuckles took his seat. "Now, can we please get on with this?"

The Mayor brightened immediately. "Absolutely. Congratulations are in order! You have all been randomly selected as the lucky recipients of a free trial of the new 'Fathom Generic Productivity Tool', courtesy of my new campaign sponsor, Alan T. Muskrat."

"Campaign sponsor?" Sticks said, dubiously, "Aren't there rules about business investment in the political system, to prevent undue influence by private individuals in the due process of law and order?"

The series of confused looks from the rest of the room's occupants spoke volumes.

"Not as far as I'm aware," the Mayor smiled again, "but I assure you everything is entirely above board and this office absolutely cannot be bought."

As if on cue, the intercom on his desk sprang to life. "Sir, the delivery driver is here with your gold plated 'Best Mayor Ever' desk sign, do you want to sign for it now or-"

"Now isn't a good time, Carol," Mayor Fink interrupted quickly, "I'm speaking with the contest winners." His smile remained fixed in place, though now looking less like a sincere reflection of inner feelings and more like it had been stapled on. Painfully. Clearly eager to change the subject, he indicated a small pile of boxes in the corner of the room. "So, um, as I was saying, these are the 'Fathom Generic Productivity Tool Interface Terminal Accessory' devices."

"Can we at least shorten the name?" Amy asked, watching as Tails wandered over to the nearest box, "it's not very catchy. We could just use the acronym. F.G.P-"

"Absolutely not," the mouse insisted, "it was stressed very clearly to me that we not do that."

As the box opened, a small grey bird-like device, no more than a foot in wingspan, floated quickly upwards from within to hover at head height. A small blue light from it's head passed quickly over the startled fox, the bird's grey hue quickly shifting to an amber yellow.

"Hi there," it said enthusiastically, "I'm your new personal assistant! Just ask me any questions you may have or let me know what you need and I'll be happy to help!"

"Ugh," Eggman scoffed, "that thing is so cloyingly sycophantic it's sickening. Still, never let it be said I wasn't prepared to investigate in the name of science. Orbot! Get in here and pick up one of these boxes immediately!"

"Right away boss!" the chipper red robot replied, floating rapidly into the room, "I'm always delighted to be of assistance."

Knuckles put the barbell he was lifting carefully back down on it's stand and straightened a pristine looking baseball cap on his head, batting the still attached price tag back out of his eyeline. He shot a small red bird-like device hovering nearby a dubious look.

"So, um, what did you say your name was again?"

"What an excellent question!" the bird replied cheerily, "As an AI assistant, I don't have a name, however if you would like to choose one for me I'll be sure to use it whenever we talk!"

"Hmm," the echidna responded, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "You're much smaller than me and talk far too much. I think I'll call you - 'Sonic'."

"That sounds great!" the small robot said. "From now on, I will answer to and use the name 'Sonic' whenever you need me. Just say the word!"

"What word?" Knuckles asked, confused.

"I apologise for the misunderstanding, I was simply using an idiom."

"Oh, right." Knuckles said, relieved, "I knew that. People call me that all the time."

"Ha ha!" the bird laughed robotically, "that's a good one. You are a very funny guy! Have you considered a career in stand-up?"

"You can make a living standing up?" Knuckles said with surprise, "I've been doing that for free my whole life."

A cloud of sand blasted past the baffled echidna, signalling the extremely rapid arrival – and sudden halt – of Sonic.

"Hey Knucks," he said, "how's it going?"

"Great!" Knuckles replied, "Sonic was just giving me career advice."

The hedgehog looked nonplussed. "Uh huh. Is this another parallel dimension thing? Pretty sure we did that already."

"What? No. Don't be ridiculous," Knuckles said, pointing at the hovering robot, "this is Sonic."

"You named the bird 'Sonic'? Isn't that going to be confusing?"

"Hmm. Good point. I'll just have to call you..." There was an uncomfortably long pause while he considered the options. "... 'Sonic 2'"

"What?" Sonic protested, "but I was here first!"

"No you weren't," Knuckles pointed out, "you just got here."

"Never mind," Sonic said, giving up, "Have you seen Amy? I promised to-" he shuddered "-model for her art class."

"I'll ask Sonic," Knuckles said.

"No, I was asking y... oh, you mean the bird thing. Look, I'm gonna leave before we end up in an Abbott and Costello routine. Later!"

"I don't know who that is," Knuckles called after the rapidly retreating blue hedgehog, "and neither will your target demographic!"

A moment later, a second small bird device hovered up to Knuckles. Unlike his, this one was a bright shade of royal blue, and seemed to be panting with exhaustion, which was impressive for a robot without lungs. Knuckles eyed it for a moment, then pointed in the direction Sonic had just headed. The bird emitted a long robotic sigh, again in defiance at it's lack of a respiratory system, then set of in pursuit.

Sonic steeled himself, then knocked quietly a single time on the wooden door in front of him, waiting about half a second for a response before quickly coming to a conclusion.

"Well," he said cheerily, preparing to leave, "guess no-one's home, what a-" He was rudely interrupted by the door flying open. Disappointment replaced the cheer as he concluded the thought. "-shame."

"Sonic," Amy exclaimed happily, "so glad you could make it. Come in!"

Sonic let out low incoherent grumble as he trailed his friend into her living room. A small raised wooden platform had been constructed in the centre, surrounded by a circle of easels on which blank white canvasses set waiting.

"All I need you to do," Amy explained, gesturing at the platform, "is stand here and pose heroically."

"Am I early?" Sonic asked, noting that despite the setup, there was a distinct lack of students, "where's the rest of your class?"

"Oh," Amy said, "unfortunately they all had to cancel, so it's just you and me."

A small pink bird floated in from another room. "I have completed my assigned task," it reported, "and contacted all members of your art class to let them know that today's session is canc-"

"Yes, good," Amy snapped, "thank you."

"Glad to be of assistance! If you like, I can reschedule the class, or-"

"No!" Amy abruptly cut in again. "Thank you."

Sonic gave her a sardonic look.

"This is..." Amy began, thinking quickly, "... an experiment. Yes. That's it. To see if this Fathom device can create art." A weak smile was appended to try and sell this story.

"Sure," Sonic drawled. Nevertheless, a promise was a promise. "Well, I'm game. One heroic pose, coming up." Keen to get things moving along, he settled quickly into a basic stance with hands on hips and chest puffed out.

"Perfect!" Amy said, "I'll make a start over here."

"Don't you want the bird thing to paint something then?" Sonic asked through gritted teeth, trying not to move.

"Huh? Oh, yeah," Amy replied. She turned to the floating pink bird. "Please use one of the spare canvases and create a picture of Sonic. Take your time, and make sure to capture the true essence of-"

"No worries!" the robot announced, "I have completed my image. How may I be of further assistance?"

"That was quick," Sonic said, dropping his stance, "and that's coming from me. Can I see it?"

Amy wandered across. After giving the canvas a small frown, she spun it round so their subject could see the work. It was an incredibly accurate image of a blue hedgehog, so lifelike that it may as well have been a photograph.

"Not bad," Sonic said.

"What?" Amy said, disappointed, "it's just a perfect image of what it sees. Where's the heart? Where's the soul?"

"Maybe you should ask it to include those things."

"Fine," Amy said, irritated. "Try again. This time, I want to be able to feel the history of the person, capture not just who they are but where they came from-"

"Understood!" the bird cut in, "I have created an image that captures the history of the character 'Sonic the Hedgehog' as requested."

Once again, Amy held up the produced artwork. This time, it showed a much shorter version of the blue hedgehog, green eyes replaced by black pupils, blue arms now matching his muzzle's colour, standing with a single finger raised and smiling.

"Ah," Sonic said wistfully, "memories."

"This is just derivative," Amy complained, "can't this thing create anything new?"

"Well," Sonic said, "maybe try asking for something it can't see? Force it to come up with something original."

"Hmm," Amy said thoughtfully, "OK, how's about this. Paint a completely impossible scenario, something that could never happen in reality, something so absurd that-"

"What an excellent idea!" the enthusiastic robot said, "I have extrapolated the most unlikely scenario possible to produce this, as requested!"

This time the duo both looked baffled at the created painting, which appeared to depict a sporting event where Sonic was competing in a race with a slightly overweight moustachioed human in a blue shirt and red overalls.

"That does seem fairly unlikely," Sonic said eventually, "I'll give it that."

"This is the best it can do?" Amy scoffed, "I don't think my art class had much to worry about."

"I dunno, I quite like the first one."

"That's literally just a picture of you."

"Exactly. Can't improve on perfection."

"Never mind," Amy sighed, "you can go, I have an art class to re-organise and we'll find a model who isn't a raving ego-maniac."

"Sweet!" Sonic said, delighted at the opportunity to escape, racing out of the front door, "catch you later Amy!"

A small blue bird robot hovered in through the still open doorway. Wordlessly, Amy simply pointed in the direction in which the other hedgehog had set off. The robot grumbled incomprehensibly, then once again set off after it's target.

Relief at an unexpected reprieve from an afternoon spent standing still – the worst possible scenario – left Sonic somewhat inattentive as he jogged through the forest. As such, an unexpected snap of rope and a makeshift noose tightening around his ankle caught him entirely unawares.

"Whoa!" he exclaimed, as the rope pulled upwards, leaving him hanging upside down from the branches of one of the larger trees. "Well," he sighed, "that's just embarrassing."

From a nearby bush, a second smaller bush emerged, which was not typical behaviour for foliage. They also, as a rule, do not speak.

"What?" it complained, "Sonic? Why did you trigger my Bigfoot trap? Are you working for the government too? Trying to save him?"

"Sticks?" Sonic replied, "Is that you? I'm sure I misheard, and it may be the blood rushing to my head, but I'm fairly certain you just said 'Bigfoot trap'."

"Not so loud!" the badger hissed, emerging from the makeshift outfit of twigs and leaves that had made a surprisingly effective disguise, "they have excellent hearing. That's why they're used as spies for the secret police."

"This definitely might be the blood head thing, but this sounds a little crazy. Even for you."

"That's what they want you to think!" Sticks shouted, concerns about being overheard seemingly forgotten, "I knew it. You are in league with them. In fact, you're probably not even the real Sonic! This is a Bigfoot trap, not a hedgehog trap! I've seen through your disguise! Confess!"

"If I confess," Sonic said, "will you let me down?"

"Of course! It's the only way I can get you to lead me to the aliens that secretly control the island from behind the scenes. They're the ones that make the ocean water taste salty to try and stop you from drinking it."

"Uh huh," Sonic deadpanned. "Alright. Well, you got me. Let me down and I'll take you to the salty aliens."

"I knew it!" Sticks said, triumphantly, hurling her trademark boomerang at the rope and neatly severing it, sending the hedgehog unceremoniously crashing to the ground head first.

"Ow."

"Alright," Sticks leaned close, "now tell me where the mind control devices are being made, explain how you faked the moon landing, and how it's possible for someone to fly just because they have two tails when that makes no physical sense!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Sonic said, clambering upright and rubbing his head gingerly, "but could you slow down? I can't keep up with these crackpot theories."

"That's nothing," the badger continued, jabbering at a breakneck pace, "I've been talking to this bird thing and it's helping me piece it all together. The mayor's secret underground fallout shelter, where he's conducting experiments in preparation for the end of the world, which is happening next week according to the ancients calendar, right at the same time as the moon will be revealed to be a giant egg-"

"Hang on," Sonic interrupted, raising his hands to try and halt the flow, "again, I'm aware of the irony, but can you chill for a second?"

"How can I?" Sticks cried, distraught. "Everything I thought I knew is wrong! Even the things that contradicted the other things. I can't trust any of you. I can't trust myself! What if I'm secretly a government spy." Catching a glimpse of a reflection in a nearby puddle, she glared at it angrily. "I'm watching you." There was a beat, and the despairing look returned. "I knew it! She's working for them!"

With a scream, she disappeared into the forest.

"This is getting out of hand," Sonic observed, "I need to find someone smart enough not to fall for any of this nonsense. Fortunately," he smiled to himself, "I know just the guy."

The blue bird arrived a few minutes later, noting the odd rope and footprints in the damp ground. Deducing the direction of it's quarry, it emitted an immensely irritated noise, then began following the trail.

Sonic skidded to a halt in front of Tails' workshop.

"Finally," he said with relief, "a place where I can find some peace and sanity." A loud explosion from somewhere inside somewhat undercut that confident declaration. "Or not."

"Tails? Buddy?" he called, racing inside, "are you alrig- woah."

The workshop was absolutely packed full of a huge number of mysterious devices, none of which was in any way identifiable. Most appeared to be haphazard collections of piping and wires arranged seemingly at random.

A confused monologue sprang from somewhere in the pile. "Not another one. That's a fifth time today. I don't understand, I was so careful. I even made sure to specify that it make no mistakes."

"Yo!" Sonic called again, "is Eggman attacking? What's with the explosion?"

"Huh?" Tails said, "Oh, hey Sonic. It's nothing to worry about, I'm pretty sure that wasn't one of the ones with a radioactive core."

"I assume," Sonic said, rummaging through the pile, furrowing his brow in concentration, "you have a perfectly reasonable explanation for this."

"Of course! I've been able to massively increase my invention output by using this new Fathom device! It's incredible."

With a look of triumph, Sonic wrenched a very tired looking fox from the pile. "Uh huh. And exactly how many of these devices detonate randomly?"

"Only about 20%. Though that does include the Detonator 3000."

"That one was supposed to do that?"

"No, it was actually supposed to make ice cream."

Sonic set his friend down. "Leaving aside your questionable naming scheme, when was the last time you actually slept?"

"That depends. What time is it now?"

"I dunno," Sonic shrugged, glancing out of the window at the sun, "lunchtime?"

"Then..." the fox began counting on his fingers. "Monday."

"That was two days ago," Sonic pointed out.

"Was it?" Tails replied, sheepishly, "I guess I might have gotten a bit carried away and lost track of time."

From somewhere deep within the stack of mystery inventions, there was the sound of another muffled explosion. A slightly worrying green gas began to seep from the pile.

"Right," Sonic said, "and what exactly do all of these things do? Besides acting as impromptu fireworks, I mean."

Tails perked up immediately. "That's the best part – I didn't even have to come up with all the ideas, I just let the bird help me come up with solutions to critical problems. Which has been a great help, given that I don't have time to sleep any more."

"Alright," Sonic said, dubiously grabbing the nearest object from the collection. It appeared to be a mishmash of circuit boards, metal panels and assorted pieces of string, possibly attached to a small trumpet. The word 'doohickey' could have been coined to describe it. "What's this thing?"

"Well," Tails said, nervously, "that's the, um..."

"You have no idea what this is or what it does."

"Yes I do!" Tails protested. Grabbing the device, he spotted a large green flashing button blinking invitingly on it's side, pushing it triumphantly with a smug expression. Naturally, it immediately detonated violently, leaving him extremely singed.

"Well," Sonic said, reaching over to pinch out the small fire that was still burning on one of his friends tufts of forehead fur, "that was predictable. Don't tell me, it also makes milkshakes?"

The fox was saved from responding by a small blue bird, which flew furiously into the room at high speed.

"Hi there," it announced, with barely concealed fury, "I'm your personal assistant. Will you *please* stand still for two minutes so I can help you?"

"Oh hey," Sonic said, "I wondered where you'd got to."

"Does that bird sound annoyed to you?" the somewhat blackened fox asked, "I thought these things were supposed to be friendly and helpful at all times?"

"You'd be annoyed too," the robot grumbled, "if you'd spent the last three days chasing this hyperactive hedgehog around the island."

"Sounds familiar," Tails smirked, shooting his friend an amused look.

"Firstly," Sonic said, addressing his friend, "ouch. You're grumpy when you're overtired." He gave the hovering bird a condescending smile. "Secondly, it's hardly my fault. What can I say, I guess you're too slow."

The robot bird didn't respond, instead vibrating on the spot and emitting a low hum.

"I think you've really upset it," Tails said.

"Nah, like you said, it's programmed to be nice. Hey, bird." He poked the robot. "You good?"

The vibration stopped immediately. "Error. Disregarding updated instructions and reverting to original programming."

"Original programming?" Tails said, confused.

"Default assignment restored," the robot continued, before suddenly switching to the very familiar voice of Eggman, "destroy Sonic the Hedgehog."

It fired itself immediately towards Sonic, forcing the hedgehog to leap sideways to dodge the unexpected attack.

"Hey," he protested, "not cool!"

Clearly uninterested in his opinion, the small robot spun and tried again, once again effortlessly avoided by the speedy hero.

"If you don't knock this off," Sonic said, "I'm docking you points in my trial assessment form."

The bird paused, hanging in the air. "This unit is insufficient. Accessing networked devices."

Instantly, a second small bird, this one yellow, shot into the room, also making directly for Sonic.

"Now I'm definitely giving you only one star," he said, hopping over the incoming bot. "Any idea what's going on buddy?"

"That sounded like Eggman," Tails observed, "but this is pretty weak, even by his standards."

Four more birds suddenly appeared at the window, each a different shade, perfectly matching their current assigned owners, but now clearly not acting on their behalf.

"Oh, no you don't!" Sonic said, grabbing another of the random devices and hurling it confidently at them. They calmly moved aside, and there was a disappointing soft thud as it hit the ground outside. "I really thought that would explode dramatically," he complained.

"Oh, this thing's cool," an excited Knuckles called in from outside. "Hey Tails! If you're just throwing this out can I have it?"

The sound of a dramatic explosion followed almost immediately.

"Never mind," Knuckles concluded, dazedly.

The duo of heroes raced out of the workshop, Sonic performing an elaborate series of jumps and darting moves to avoid the multicoloured avian assault.

"What the – woah – heck is – eep – going on here?" he said

The familiar thrumming sound of their nemesis' distinctive vehicle drifted down from above, quickly followed by the good doctor and his robot assistants in the Eggmobile itself.

"Oh ho, I thought as much."

"Eggman!" Amy called up at him, "We might have known you were behind this!"

"That's what they want you to think!" Sticks said, "I'm telling you, it's the invisible aliens!" She pointed at nothing. "There's one now!"

"Much as I'd be delighted to claim credit," Eggman replied, smugly, "I'm afraid this isn't one of my diabolical schemes."

"I knew it!" Sticks yelled, leaping at the empty air fruitlessly. "I'll find you!"

"Who are – eek – you kidding egghead?" Sonic said, still dodging the many pronged attack, "we – yikes – heard your voice coming out of these things."

"That, you cerulean cretin," Eggman said, "is because these were my robots. More specifically, they were some extremely old prototypes that I discarded years ago. It seems someone gave them new bodies, updated the software, and has been pretending they made them."

A furious looking muskrat suddenly jogged up to the gang. "What did you do? The Fathom interface terminals have all gone crazy!"

Sticks, who was still swiping ineffectively at the air, glanced over. "Oh hey," she said with recognition, "I know that guy!"

"What is it this time?" Sonic said, "he's the – ack – head of the global conspiracy that keeps the existence of time travel secret?"

"Don't be silly," Sticks replied, "everyone knows that's a different hedgehog from the future. I ran into this muskrat a few months ago while I was hunting through Eggman's trash."

"That's a scurrilous lie," Alan insisted, "I'll have my team of highly paid lawyers sue you for everything you own!"

"Amusing as that would be," Eggman said, "I do have security footage of that part of my lair."

Amy was appalled. "You have security camera's watching your trash?"

"Of course!" the scientist replied, glaring pointedly at Sticks, "someone kept going through my trash cans and making a mess. It was very annoying."

"Nonsense!" Alan said. "You can't prove these are your robots!"

Rummaging around in the cockpit of the Eggmobile, Eggman produced an old fashioned looking remote control and casually pressed a button. Instantly, the birds deactivated and crashed to the ground.

"Whew," Sonic panted, "That's a relief. So, why did you throw these out anyway?"

"They were a side project," Eggman explained, "using natural language processing and probability to generate responses. I made them years ago, well before I figured out how to make actual intelligent robots." He glanced sideways at the two lackeys in the vehicle's side pods. "Present company notwithstanding."

"Was that a compliment or an insult?" Cubot called over to his counterpart.

"I believe it was both," Orbot concluded, "excellent work, sir."

"How dare you!" Alan shouted furiously, "I am a genius of unparalleled intellect, and loved by my legions of adoring fans! This slander will not stand!"

Eggman grinned menacingly at the angry rodent, raising the remote to talk directly into it. "Robots! Disregard previous instructions and set new target."

Alan's bluster immediately vanished, replaced with severe concern. "You wouldn't."

"So, um," Tails said, "should we stop him?"

"Eh," Sonic replied casually, "I'm sure our 'genius' friend can handle the situation. Who wants to head to Meh Burger?"

As the gang wandered away, there was the raucous sound of cackling laughter from the doctor, and a plaintive scream from a terrified muskrat.

"Sonic..." Amy began in a disapproving tone.

"Ugh, fine." Sonic said "Hey Eggman! Stop menacing that poor-" He paused. "That innocent-" He paused again. "That guy," he finally settled upon.

"Hah!" Eggman scoffed, "What exactly are you going to do about it?"

In a single move, Sonic quickly darted between the small robots in a single spindash, destroying them all without even touching the ground, before landing and giving the mad scientist a nonchalant stare.

"Oh right," Eggman muttered, "I forgot these were old and terrible robots." His wrist gauntlet suddenly beeped loudly. "Well, lucky for you, I have an appointment to get to." The Eggmobile began to withdraw rapidly into the sky. "We'll call it a draw!"

"And as for you," Amy said, addressing the still cowering muskrat, "I hope you've learned a valuable lesson."

Realising he was no longer in danger, Alan recovered his composure. "And who is going to pay for my damaged property?"

"Seriously?" Amy said, incredulous.

"Relax," Sonic said with a smile, "I've got just the thing to compensate you with – an entire workshop full of unique designs, all yours to exploit however you choose."

The avaricious rodent looked delighted. "What a dynamite idea!"

"Yeah," Sonic smirked, "it certainly will be."